“Please Don’t Become One Of My Regrets.”
Why do all the ones that seem so perfect and have there shit together come with some secret hidden problem! Maybe this time it was my fault for looking for someone who was identical to my Ex in every aspect. I think god decided it would be funny to give me that identical twin, yet to give him to me only to play a joke on me with. Mr.Banker seemed oh so great. He had a great career, nice car, nice home, cute smile, he was a scorpio my zodiac sign preference and more. Then on our second date I was traumatized. After hanging out having a drink with a gorgeous view of the city (rooftop style), we decided to keep it low key our second date. I headed out to Long Island to his place, we picked up some Ginos pizza, Ciroc and rented a movie. It was a fun relaxed night and before I knew it, the time was late and the LIRR trains back to the city weren’t going to cut it, so I decided to spend the night. Thats when it all happened. After climbing into bed Mr. Banker fell asleep within minutes and within seconds of falling asleep he began snoring. He wasn’t just snoring though he was doing something much worst and louder than your average sound of a snore. He sounded like a vacuum cleaner! Literally! But thats not where it all went creepy and wrong. While tossing and turning and trying to figure out how I was ever going to fall asleep with this man snoring next to me, I began to feel the bed move. Wondering why in the hell the bed was moving I turned over to find him banging his head up in down against his pillow while still snoring and asleep! He wasn’t just moving his head up and down softly readjusting in his sleep, he was literally banging his head hard up and down. Shocked and beyond startled I quickly turned back over and reached for my cell. I wanted to call someone to come get me or just to tell someone what the hell this man was doing but I was so scared he would hear me on my phone and wake up. I didn’t know if this was similar to sleep walking and they say never to wake someone up while they’re sleep walking. Haven’t we all seen the movie Step Brothers, remember what happened when the dad woke them both up while they were sleep walking! Scared out of my mind I tried to tell my self that everything was fine to try to go to sleep, but I couldn’t. I tried to close my eyes and squeeze them tight to fall asleep but it wasn’t working and before I knew it i felt the bed moving again. This time he was face down into his pillow shaking his head back and forth practically suffocating himself. I wanted to go home so bad at this point. This man was completely not f*king normal. I pretty much slept for like a hour while rotating my eyes keeping one open at all times. In the morning iI acted like I had a good night sleep and watched the news while eating a bowl of cereal like everything was ok. I wanted to confront this guy on his head banging issues so bad. I mean didn’t he know about them why wouldn’t he warn me and let me know before hand. That was some scary shit, I literally thought and still think he might be possessed. While on the train back to the city I googled and some websites told me that new borns sometimes bang there head to help fall asleep, that the brain releases some chemical helping sleep occur faster. This guy is not a new born and if he did this while he was a baby he clearly should have out grown it if not seen a doctor. I obviously never contacted him again after that morning I saw him last. Ugh we had so much potential.
“You can never know someone well enough, they’ll always surprise you.”
Bartender Dave and I met a few weeks back and had a good time out, but like the rest of the stories go it never went anywhere. We planned to meet up a few times, yet never did and lost contact. Then months later while I was in Canada for the weekend I got a blocked phone call and it was bartender Dave. Wondering why he was calling me block and calling me in general I really couldn’t talk at the time and told him I’d be back in New York the following day to give me a call then. Instead he called me back a hour later and asked how I’ve been and told me he was in the strangest situation ever and he wanted to tell me all about it. He began to tell me that he met a “cougar” at his job and she paid him to fly out with her for the weekend to Miami. Still wondering why he was calling me out of all people to tell me about his adventure I stayed quiet and let him tell me about his story. He continued about it and told me that she was into the craziest things (sexually) and that he wasn’t sure about what he was doing but that he couldn’t pass up a experience like this especially while being payed for it. Then my answer as to why he was calling me to tell his story to was finally answered. After cutting through the bullshit and asking me how I’ve been and if I’m seeing anyone or not he went straight to the point and asked me. Bartender Dave called to ask me if I’d be interested in flying out to Miami for the night to get paid for a kinky threesome. This guy had to be fK*ing on drugs and had to be crazy if he thought that I was the girl to call for this. Not in a million years was my answer to him. After finding it hilarious and calling my friends to tell them what had just happened, I thought wow how am I ever going to find a descent man when theres so many disgusting men out there. I would have never thought he would be into something like that. On our date he seemed so classy and well put together. I guess when vagina and money come together men just use there penis for decisions instead of their brain. Eghh.
The next guy I went on a date with was a ticket salesman, he owned his own company in which they flipped and resold tickets to concerts, sport events and shows. There was something about him that reminded me of my ex that drew me towards him. It wasn’t only that he had the same body features - dark hair, face full of scruff, slim body - it was also that he could make me laugh and he was completely apathetically outgoing just like my last. Those two things I loved most about a man. Our first date surprisingly went well and led to a second. After the second date he told me that he wouldn’t be able to see me for about a week in a half because he was going to be really busy with work and he was also going home for a three day weekend to visit his family in Jersey. I didn’t mind taking things slow and waiting until his schedule wasn’t so hectic for a third date - but then after the third date he kept coming up with the same excuses in which he was always busy with work and he was always going to Jersey to see his family. I thought it was great that he was focused in his career and a family man. Not minding taking things slow and seeing each other occasionally we continued the relationship - Yet somethings just weren’t adding up & me being me I decided to snoop around on his Facebook. His page was always quite and the pictures he did have were all clean cut. He had a few albums and tagged pictures but nothing suspicious caught my eye. So I decided to ignore my dubious thoughts - until that is I started clicking on his family members profiles and viewing their pictures. Of course this guy had a reason to go to Jersey every weekend and never had enough time to date, he had a child, a little girl! I can’t believe this man didn’t tell me about her. How can you get to know someone based on lies? The next time he asked to see me he asked me to come over for a movie and chinese food. I decided not to mention that I knew the truth about his Jersey trips and his daughter - but then as we began to lie down in bed to watch a movie I saw Bambi lying on top of the DVD player. Me being a manipulative person I chose to ask sarcastically if Bambi was the movie we were going to watch. He quickly defended him self by explaining to me that it was a gift he needed to wrap for his nieces birthday. All I could do was grin, was this guy kidding me?! He completely had the opportunity to come clean and he didn’t even take it. I wouldn’t mind dating a man with a little bit of a past who had to carry something along in the present from it but I did mind the fact that he couldn’t tell me and continued to hide it from me. You never know how accepting people can be of your indifferences and baggage unless you open up and be honest about it.
“Don’t ever under estimate my ability to find shit out!”
When ever I meet someone new and they ask me what brought me to New York it’s like biting my tongue and a constant reminder of everything, well I guess we could just say “the one” I’m trying to forget. Yes, I moved to the big city for Love and of course It didn’t work out. Yet that’s what you get for quitting your job and packing your bags overnight to fly out of state to your ex’s house uninvited begging to work things out. Who knew people really follow their religious laws so seriously these days. I grew up addicted and lost in disney movies where love always overcame any manipulative witch, wicked stepmother, evil queen and so on. So while being a hopeless romantic I thought converting and taking a step into a new religion would be more than enough. Only in the real world to some people converting and taking a step into their religious path isn’t enough and can’t overcome the fact that you just weren’t born into their religion “the chosen”. So while being all alone and new to the city of over 8 million I found myself on multiple dating websites. Some of you are probably thinking those things are full of unnormal people and that’s why they’re on there single, while the rest of you are thinking girlfriend why don’t you just be single for awhile, but lets be realistic no one really wants to be single. Yes you love not having to worry about other peoples emotions and feelings and you love being able to do what ever the hell you please - meaning juggling five partners at once or going where ever the hell you want with out checking in. Yet at the end of the night we would all love to come home to someone. someone special to us. I thought finding a new man to come home to within my standards would be easy with so many men in the city, but once again who would have known that there’s really not plenty of fish in that Hudson. & So the search continues…..
:) While I was out with a small group of friends having drinks at the Boom Boom Room on top of the Standard one night I drunkenly exchanged numbers with a douche bag. We both sort of stumbled into each other and just paused and exchanged this weird look. Some how before I could continue back to stumbling to the bar he managed to get my number - which I now have a reason to regret. After my night out for drinks I woke up to a text the following morning from him asking me to meet up with him for drinks. I agreed and we chatted a bit and exchanged facebooks. I wasn’t completely attracted to him but I figured I had nothing else to do this coming Thursday night so why not go and mingle for a drink or two. I don’t know if it was the fact I was almost a hour late to our date or the slight chance that he might have thought he was texting someone different - but when I finally walked through the door I saw him standing there starring back at me with a look where I knew this wasn’t going to go well. He had this confused and surprised look on his face like he had thought I was someone different than who he thought he was meeting. I didn’t know if it was because he was clearly already tipsy off of who knows how many glasses of wine he had while waiting for me or because he was straight off the back not attracted to me.I mean we did first meet in person & we did exchange facebook accounts? I was confused and only got more confused. After we sat at the bar I apologized for being late; he said don’t worry about it while getting the bartenders attention for drinks. As he was ordering our drinks he turns around and says wait we met at the Dream hotel the other night right? Of course only being able to answer with a huge grin I reminded him that we drunkenly met and exchanged numbers at the Standard. He looked confused once again and replied with - wow I don’t even remember being there. This guy was a Tool right off the back. Who says that to there date? As I tried to laugh it off and start a conversation with him he just sort of looked away and didn’t have much to say back to me. What was this guys deal? I’m clearly not Kim Kardashian but I’m no Adele either. Im a beautiful girl and this guy was completely shutting me down, who the hell did he think he was?! I was way out of his league and he was making me feel the other way around. I couldn’t help but to continue laughing in my head and try to pursue a conversation with him. We finally spoke a little about work and where we grew up until he bluntly excused himself to have a smoke. I decided not to join him 1.because I don’t smoke and 2. because I’d rather stay sitting at the bar working on my buzz which I needed to save me from the night. When he came back he stood in front of me and leaned in for a kiss. What the hell?! I leaned my head far back and forgetting what I said he turned around back to the bar ignoring me and ordered himself another drink. When he finally got the bartenders attention he turned to me and asked me if I need another one too ?He told me to drink up that he wasn’t paying for this night out his company card was! Ok - I’ve been on bad dates before but this was by far the worst and weirdest and I wanted to leave and walk out on him so badly. The only problem with walking out on him was I didn’t have the guts to get up and just walk out. Ugh. why did I have to grow up to be the politest person?! So instead of escaping this horrible date I just sat there and drank. He finally ended up excusing himself once more of our awkward silence to go the bathroom and I thought this is my chance. I got the bartenders attention to make sure he had a credit card on the tab so it didn’t seem like we were both bailing and after being reassured I grabbed my bag only to find myself stuck in my stool. I wasn’t literally stuck I was mentally stuck. Get up and go I kept telling myself but I couldn’t. So I sat there and decided I’d wait there till he got back to tell him maturely that we obviously both weren’t into another and we should just call it a night. After a while of sitting there and waiting for him I realized time was ticking, who takes this long to go to the bathroom? It was a small wine bar and the place wasn’t even packed. After about 25 minutes had passed I realized I was being stood up. This asshole completely went out the back door and left me here at the bar. How dare him?! I was going to walk out on him! While wanting to by the whole damn bar a shot on his tab I just picked up my things and headed out the door. Can not believe I was just stood up by this man. Thank god for anonymous blogging because I couldn’t admit what really happened to any of my friends. Of course I told them all that I got up and walked out on him while he went to the bathroom - and that I did buy the whole bar a shot on the douche bags credit card.
“The more you have to drink the more your brain photoshops the people around you.”
The first guy I met online for a date was no one I’d ever stop in the tracks over physical attraction for. However love is blind and he was witty and absolutely outgoing, at least over text. He owned a restaurant in the west village and with him being glued to his business we decided to meet in that area for some late night sushi one evening. He talked my ear off while walking from his place to the sushi spot! And in the creepiest way paused in his tracks at one point to tell me that I was so much better looking in person than in my online pictures and that he was going to have me. In exact words “oh im going to have you, you’re all mine now” (creepy man voice). I smiled while wondering in my head how fast I could eat my food and be out the door. A girlfriend of mine would always go on dates with men for free meals and I was beginning to wonder how she did it. A free meal could not really be worth this expierence, no way. After we were seated at our table the first out of at least 20 outrageous questions began. And they were all about sex! As soon after he plopped down into his chair and the waiter scurried off he asked me when my last orgasm was?! Excuse me?! I said as my eyebrows raised to my forehead. He began to tell me that he hadn’t had sex in awhile and went on about how much he was dying for it. All I could do was laugh and sip on my coca cola while digging into my tuna tar tartare. While attempting to block out his sex talk my stomach dropped when he began to tell me how good he could make me feel and the things he wanted to do to me. What in the hell is wrong with this man?! This is not what you talk about on a first date. I don’t care how mature and normal you think it is to be able to hold a conversation about sex, a first date is not the time, point blank.
“love isn’t complicated people are”
Online dating profiles can really be so misleading. Leading up to my weekend date with (pardon me) ” Bitch Boy “ was nothing but exciting. He was taking me to a event at my favorite place in the city - The American Museum of Natural History. A night out with cocktails under the stars of the AMNHs’ planetarium was a key to my heart. Before heading to the event we decided to stop for a quick bite and drinks. We met at the cutest most romantic hidden restaurant in the UPW. Rose petals leading me down a flight of stairs to a underground tapas style restaurant is where I found my date waiting for me at the bar. Yet - Unfortunately this gem restaurant is also where I realized after two glasses of red sangria why this guy just might be single. He was way too feminine and polite - yes men sometimes you’re too nice and we ladies sometimes don’t like it. We don’t want a asshole but just a in-between of assholeism and extreme niceness. The whole time during our meal and drinks he kept squealing to me if the food was to my taste or was my drink made well enough. And after every things I said he would place his napkin to his mouth and smile with a squeak. While thinking In my head that I may be able to over look this, we headed off to the event where we ended up having a great time. We drank, people watched and freshened up on our astrology while laughing our heinies off the whole time. Maybe I could over look his ways. Somehow while leaving the event I was convinced to go back to his place with him to hang out a little while longer and have a glass or two of red wine. He lived in Brooklyn and I was completely dreading going all the way out there only to have to come all the way back to the UPW to where I live - but we were already in the cab and of course he was persistent. On the way to his place we stopped to get me a slice - well i’ll be honest a couple slices of pizza I was starving. We chose to walk from the pizza place our taxi left us at and head back to his place. As we walked into his apt. the first thing I noticed was his gorgeous view of New York’s skyline. He lived right on the water and had a amazing place. As I sat my purse and the pizza box down on his bar top I hopped on his bar stool and was ready to dive into my two delicious slices of pizza. He stood on the other side of the bar and began to pour us both a glass of red wine - and then before handing me the glass of wine of course he decided to display his case of OCD. Of course a overly polite feminine man would have OCD, it made sense. So - when I guess he noticed my purse sitting on the counter top he gayly tilted his head slightly to the side and in his feminine voice squeaked to me that a purse doesn’t belong on a counter top missy. He picked up my purse and walked it over to the living room area where he chose to place it on the foot rest section of his L shaped couch. As he did so I rolled my eyes to the back of my head and I reached over to grab my glass of wine to take the biggest gulp I could. After finishing my pizza he decided to take out his hookah and we began to smoke his Coca Cola flavored tobacco he brought back from his visit to Turkey. Never choose to smoke Coca Cola flavored tobacco by the way - its disgusting. After awhile of wine and hookah almost to his way I ended up falling asleep with him- only in his disadvantage it was me falling asleep next to him on the couch while being bored to death pretending to listen to one of his many stories. When I woke up in the morning I heard him showering in the bathroom, I had a blanket tossed over me and a pillow under my head. I reached over for my phone on the coffee table and it was only 7:15 am. Ugh I just wanted to be home in my own bed and finished with this date that now led to a two day adventure. As he walked out the bathroom after finishing his shower he asked me if I wanted to shower as well - that he placed a towel out for me and a wash cloth. I thanked him but told him a face wash and brushing my teeth would be enough until I made my way back home. As he headed to his bedroom to get dressed I scurried to the bathroom. This guy didn’t only have a towel and wash cloth waiting for me! He had a full on hotel setup for me! On top of my towel and cloth were little bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body soap which he stole from the Fontaine Bleau - this I know because it was written all over them. Also near the sink was a new toothbrush wrapped in its box along with a miniature new box of tooth paste. ARE YOU F*ING KIDDING ME?…. This guy is way too much for me ! This was not a case of a man being a ultimate bachelor and having a douche bag complimentary for his over night guest. This was his OCD and over the top politeness. Laughing to my self in the bathroom I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my best friend. I wanted to walk out of the bathroom walk up to him and slap him across the face so that hopefully his balls would drop so he could be more masculine and more of a man - instead of a BITCH BOY. Who ever was going to end up with this man was going to walk all over him or shoot herself from his actions. I wasn’t going to be playing either of those roles! On to my next message in my inbox it is…..
“The Little Things Matter -
I know because it’s the Little Things that turn me off”